THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…