To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
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“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.