*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
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Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.