In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.