During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Probably my best painting.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the