Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
The sacred texts.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!