Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
my dad has had enough