Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Actually cracking up @ this
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.