Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
i hate you platonically
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.