*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
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Smile they said.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.