Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life