Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try