Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email