I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
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I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.