Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Money is the root of all wealth
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]