Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
*has no idea what a book even is*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
we’re gonna need another temp
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.