Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
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What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.