Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
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A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
my gf left me cuz I鈥檓 insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Kids won鈥檛 remember they have homework but they鈥檒l remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 馃檮
If I didn鈥檛 have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
馃崨
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I鈥檓 hungry. I don鈥檛 understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I鈥檝e diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby鈥檚 Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Remind the demons under your bed that you鈥檙e the landlord, raise the rent.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”