gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
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Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
this is how life feels
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.