TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
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I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity