batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”