If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
That’s classic.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.