As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*me flirting
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Kids, do not try this at home!
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.