I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
💻🤡
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good