Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
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The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
incredible book dedication
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.