McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Education is vital
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.