Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho