“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
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[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot