Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.