[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’M CRYINGGG