Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb