My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
You Might Also Like
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS