90% of parenting is crumb identification.
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My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood