“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
me irl
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Accurate
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget