There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.