My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.