“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
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My Indian name is dances without coordination.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
the answer was staring at me all along
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.