I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
me refusing to leave twitter
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.