Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“How’s your day going?”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not