They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.