The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
taking June’s advice to heart
I am laughing way too hard at this.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine