Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Oh my god
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands