I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
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“I FIXED IT!”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive