Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
every single time
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.