Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Meow
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that