The Bachelorette… but for cats.
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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment