My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*