Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.