Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
yes… yes…
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that