When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
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this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.